Tuesday, December 30, 2008

For the love of 4 year olds

So my dear 4 year old daughter says to me this evening "Mommy, why is your belly still big?" I was frequently asked this from Jan 08-July 08 and the answer was easy... There's a baby in there. Tonight though, the question stung. I knew it would come ...it was just a matter of when. The brutally honest 4 year old brain. How can you not love it?

So, my belly is still big and I am still not doing anything about it. I keep thinking that with January 1st will come a miraculous change and I will no longer over eat and I will be motivated and I will exercise and I will... blah blah blah. again, we'll just have to see won't we? maybe if my daughter keeps asking me about my big belly I will get motivated to lose it.

Wanna talk about what I ate today? Oh, this is the fun part. Breakfast: fruit loops... another devil breakfast food. Why do I buy this crap? Lunch, my husband and I went to our favorite little dive, T-balls. Chicago Style hotdogs, another vice i will have to give up or at least limit, which I do now. I will just have to limit more I guess. Dinner was at home, a toss-in-the-oven lasagna, i didn't eat a ton of it so I will call that progress. What I did eat a ton of was the hot fudge brownie temptation from DQ. Yet another vice. We hadn't been out for ice cream in a while so we decided it was time.

How am I ever going to ditch these bad habits? Little by little I guess. If I try to do it all at once, I will certainly fail, without a doubt. Status check: Journal, going okay, Diet coke, not terrible, definitely less. Sugar... ugh, such an addiction!! If I could just kick that...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Sunday Sunday

It is a lazy day here today... I went back through a re-read my first post and it sounds like I have a self-esteem issue. This is very much not the case. I am just trying to be realistic and honest with myself! I love myself, just not my habits!

So, I skipped Friday and Saturday posts and today, well it is early. I have finished off the pop tarts. Let's see if I can avoid buying them now. As for the diet coke, well, I didn't have one yesterday. I had to have one today though. It is the damn caffine! It is killer. Maybe I should try coffee or tea or something. ugh....

I am definitely more aware of what I am putting in my mouth these days. It is not stopping me from grabbing the garbage, I am just hyper aware when I do. I am hopeful though, that this is the answer. Talking myself through it all and then hopefully changing habits.

We are off to Evansville this evening. More food. I will not over eat. I will not over eat. I will not over eat. I will not over eat. etc etc etc... Can I acronym it? IWNOE IWNOE IWNOE, maybe I will chant that as I grab a plate. My husband will for sure think I have lost it. :) WAIT how about this one... DWO DWO DWO Drink Water Only! This is fun, let's think of another... Just kidding.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The beginning...

Hi, my name is Sarah and I am fat. This is going to be my own version of eaters anonymous. Maybe someday I will have the courage to make this public, until then, this is just me and me.

So many people can pinpoint an event in their lives that “made” them fat. A death, an illness, a divorce, abuse… I don’t think I have that. I started to have a body image in high school and it was one of “I just don’t care”. I had a tall slim best friend and I was always short and what I thought round. Looking back, I was not ever round in HS. I would give anything to have that body again. Oh youth…

I never paid attention to what I ate… still don’t. I am quite certain that is where my problem is now. I never learned how to eat… I just ate whatever. Now I am approaching a new club with my weight and I just don’t even want to go there.

In college, I was slender. I walked a lot and still ate what I wanted. Approaching my marriage I started to gain and just haven’t really stopped. I got married at X weight, 12 pounds later I was pregnant. I came home from the hospital 15 pounds heavier than that. I lost that 15 and then gained it back. At that weight I was pregnant again and now, hmmm, let’s do the math, I think I am another 15 pounds more. So in the past 6 years, I have gained 42 pounds. I’d say it is safe to say I am round.

When I look in the mirror, I see the same person I have always been. When I walk by really fast and catch a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye, I do not recognize that person! When I see myself in a photo, I don’t even know who that person is! It scares the hell out of me. What if I get to this new weight and join the really fat club? I cannot let myself.

Over the past few years, I have tried weight watchers 3 maybe 4 times. I have lost a little with that club but I never stick to the plan more than a week. I would just rather eat crap and all the crap I want. I know it sounds silly. It is silly, oh hell this isn’t a kiddy note, it is just stupid, let’s call it what it is. DUMB. Speaking of kiddies… I really do not want my girls to learn my bad habits.

Back to the efforts… weight watchers works, there is no doubt; it is just me who does not work. (soon to change). I tried slim fast. That is how I lost the above mentioned 15 pounds. I was always hungry and in the end gained every pound back. I will never go back to that mess. I read a book called Skinny Bitch. Yikes is all I can say about that. I learned more than I ever care to about how food is processed before it hits the shelf. That lifestyle may work for some but sure as hell not me. I like meat too much, and even if I didn’t like meat so much, I find it impossible to find food to put on my dinner table for my family that doesn’t contain some by-product of meat so vegan… No thanks, can’t even go vegetarian… won’t even try. I read the Sonoma diet, that is great except I hate tomatoes, peppers and many other key foods for that one. South Beach… YUM! I can eat meat! But I love carbs too. Impossible diet. A while back there was a show on TLC called I can make you thin. Of course I watched it! It was on my DVR for a very long time. It had some great pointers, all of which I am going to try to keep in the front of my brain when I sit down to eat.

I subscribe to a list-serv called HungryGirl. These women are amazing and they have tried it all. I have the cookbook and try lots of what they preach. They don’t necessarily have a plan but they have great tips to follow.

So speaking of plans, what is my plan? Well, I am going to start small, or at least try to. That is always where I fail, I start too big, I try to dump bad habits cold turkey all at once and it just gets to be too overwhelming. So baby steps:
Journal most days.
Cut simple sugars (candy, chocolate, dessert) as much as possible
Cut diet coke completely. (this is going to be rough)

I know the “most days” and the “as much as possible” leave a lot of room for error. We’ll see how it goes. Until then…

Oh wait, I almost forgot! Part of the journaling includes a list of the (excuse the language here) mierda (that is Spanish for sh*t) I have shoveled into my mouth for the day. The goal here is for the list to be less sh**ty and more healthy, again, we’ll see how it goes!

OKAY today: (I feel like this should be sung to the 12 days of Christmas melody, tis the season and all!)
AM: pop tart and diet coke, yum (I need to quit buying those damn pop tarts, they are the devil!)
Afternoon: off to the mall, oh boy, asian chao, teriyaki chicken, fried rice and veggies, all very healthy I am sure, more diet coke, a few sips of slushy and a cheesecake brownie in the car.
Evening: It is Christmas eve so we must bake cookies for Santa, so I ate 2 magic cookie bars and countless chocolate chip cookies. And then I cooked dinner and ate 3 squares of pizza and some more diet coke. Yum. AND then some more pizza and a few more cookies. Whew, I am exhausted! So nutritious… Until the next time…