Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The beginning...

Hi, my name is Sarah and I am fat. This is going to be my own version of eaters anonymous. Maybe someday I will have the courage to make this public, until then, this is just me and me.

So many people can pinpoint an event in their lives that “made” them fat. A death, an illness, a divorce, abuse… I don’t think I have that. I started to have a body image in high school and it was one of “I just don’t care”. I had a tall slim best friend and I was always short and what I thought round. Looking back, I was not ever round in HS. I would give anything to have that body again. Oh youth…

I never paid attention to what I ate… still don’t. I am quite certain that is where my problem is now. I never learned how to eat… I just ate whatever. Now I am approaching a new club with my weight and I just don’t even want to go there.

In college, I was slender. I walked a lot and still ate what I wanted. Approaching my marriage I started to gain and just haven’t really stopped. I got married at X weight, 12 pounds later I was pregnant. I came home from the hospital 15 pounds heavier than that. I lost that 15 and then gained it back. At that weight I was pregnant again and now, hmmm, let’s do the math, I think I am another 15 pounds more. So in the past 6 years, I have gained 42 pounds. I’d say it is safe to say I am round.

When I look in the mirror, I see the same person I have always been. When I walk by really fast and catch a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye, I do not recognize that person! When I see myself in a photo, I don’t even know who that person is! It scares the hell out of me. What if I get to this new weight and join the really fat club? I cannot let myself.

Over the past few years, I have tried weight watchers 3 maybe 4 times. I have lost a little with that club but I never stick to the plan more than a week. I would just rather eat crap and all the crap I want. I know it sounds silly. It is silly, oh hell this isn’t a kiddy note, it is just stupid, let’s call it what it is. DUMB. Speaking of kiddies… I really do not want my girls to learn my bad habits.

Back to the efforts… weight watchers works, there is no doubt; it is just me who does not work. (soon to change). I tried slim fast. That is how I lost the above mentioned 15 pounds. I was always hungry and in the end gained every pound back. I will never go back to that mess. I read a book called Skinny Bitch. Yikes is all I can say about that. I learned more than I ever care to about how food is processed before it hits the shelf. That lifestyle may work for some but sure as hell not me. I like meat too much, and even if I didn’t like meat so much, I find it impossible to find food to put on my dinner table for my family that doesn’t contain some by-product of meat so vegan… No thanks, can’t even go vegetarian… won’t even try. I read the Sonoma diet, that is great except I hate tomatoes, peppers and many other key foods for that one. South Beach… YUM! I can eat meat! But I love carbs too. Impossible diet. A while back there was a show on TLC called I can make you thin. Of course I watched it! It was on my DVR for a very long time. It had some great pointers, all of which I am going to try to keep in the front of my brain when I sit down to eat.

I subscribe to a list-serv called HungryGirl. These women are amazing and they have tried it all. I have the cookbook and try lots of what they preach. They don’t necessarily have a plan but they have great tips to follow.

So speaking of plans, what is my plan? Well, I am going to start small, or at least try to. That is always where I fail, I start too big, I try to dump bad habits cold turkey all at once and it just gets to be too overwhelming. So baby steps:
Journal most days.
Cut simple sugars (candy, chocolate, dessert) as much as possible
Cut diet coke completely. (this is going to be rough)

I know the “most days” and the “as much as possible” leave a lot of room for error. We’ll see how it goes. Until then…

Oh wait, I almost forgot! Part of the journaling includes a list of the (excuse the language here) mierda (that is Spanish for sh*t) I have shoveled into my mouth for the day. The goal here is for the list to be less sh**ty and more healthy, again, we’ll see how it goes!

OKAY today: (I feel like this should be sung to the 12 days of Christmas melody, tis the season and all!)
AM: pop tart and diet coke, yum (I need to quit buying those damn pop tarts, they are the devil!)
Afternoon: off to the mall, oh boy, asian chao, teriyaki chicken, fried rice and veggies, all very healthy I am sure, more diet coke, a few sips of slushy and a cheesecake brownie in the car.
Evening: It is Christmas eve so we must bake cookies for Santa, so I ate 2 magic cookie bars and countless chocolate chip cookies. And then I cooked dinner and ate 3 squares of pizza and some more diet coke. Yum. AND then some more pizza and a few more cookies. Whew, I am exhausted! So nutritious… Until the next time…

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